I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
开始我直接求上帝赐辆自行车。 后来我琢磨上帝办事儿不是这个路数。 于是老子偷了一辆然后求上帝宽恕。
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble downthe stairs.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Evening news is where they begin with 'good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxativeon the same night.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
The solepurpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
You do not need a parachuteto skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.