Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.
Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s question comes from Mark, a reader in Florida…
The other night I was out with friends and ran into my buddy’s girl who was out with a group of her girlfriends. Long story short, she was hitting on me all night and acting like a complete skank. Should I tell my friend what happened or let him figure out what kind of person she really is on his own?
Tracy Pendergast: Mark, you might think that telling your friend every annoying detail is the right thing to do, but it’s not! The only conflict this is going to create is a conflict between you and your friend. If he really likes her and she denies that she hit on you (which she will), it’s just going to make things uncomfortable. If she has a history of going out and embarrassing herself, it’s only a matter of time before your friend starts to figure it out.
Look at this as a gift Mark. This girl has literally given you a big beautiful package with a fluffy bow. You can now make uncomfortable, all knowing eye contact with her every time she’s cramping your style.
Is she complaining that it’s too cold in the car on the way home from a camping trip? Adjust review mirror, secure awkward eye contact, stare.
What? She wants to leave the baseball game early because your team could never make a come back? Push up sunglasses with foam pointer finger, open eyes uncomfortably wide, stare.
While opening gifts at your birthday party, you discover her and your friend got you a Chili’s gift card. You’re not a huge fan of Chili’s. Softly push your hair off your forehead, look deep into her soul, slowly and sexually mouth the words “Olive Garden” and stare.
This is going to be awesome.
Adam Tod Brown: Nope, don’t tell him. That’s only going to lead to a bunch of unwanted drama. It’s not like she’s going to admit it. At best, she’ll lie and say it never happened. At worst, she’ll turn it around and say that you were the one hitting on her. And she’s got the vag, so she’ll likely win that particular argument with your best friend.
Or even worse, what if you find out that your best friend and his girlfriend have an open relationship and he would have been totally cool with you doing her but now they both find you far too square to share in their carefree lifestyle? Nobody wants to live with a blown opportunity on their conscience.
Besides, if she’s really the slut that you’re making her out to be, he’ll find out. It will be a much less crushing blow if he finds out by way of walking in on her blowing the bass player from some shitty local emo band instead of finding out by way of you telling him that she asked you to fingerbang her in the bathroom at a Dave & Busters.